2 yrs, 3 months, and 1 day.
/2 yrs, 3 months, and 1 day.
That’s how long it’s been since I walked into a grocery store. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve felt the freedom to peruse and purchase groceries for myself. Holy hell that’s a long time!
I knew that the isolation from living in a pandemic while immunocompromised and recovering from a stem cell transplant was affecting me a good deal but yesterday really showed me a glimpse of just how deep its effects are.
When I decided to go to a grocery store, I did my due diligence as a high-risk person. I thought about where I was going to go, what hours would be the lowest risk, and I created a contingency plan if I felt unsafe. I thought about this for about a week.
Prior to entering the store, I tuned into my body to see if there were signs of fear or anxiety. Signs that I felt unsafe. For me, this feels like constriction in the belly and holding my breath. This didn’t exist so I took a few deep breaths, smiled about opening my world up for the morning, put on my mask, and went inside.
The second I entered, tears streamed down my face with pure overwhelm of (loving) emotion. I had no control over the physical reaction that happened from simply seeing all the food and all the people. Humans. Humans doing human things. A reminder to never underestimate the damaging effects of this pandemic or take for granted the “mundane” and everyday things that many cannot experience.
I cried the entire time. I went to Trader Joe’s, btw. It’s the Disney World of grocery stores so I took my chances on a place where employees would be just as happy to see me as I was them. They did not disappoint. My checkout clerk was jazzed on life and asked if I was doing anything fun today. I wanted to tell him, “THIS!!!” but I had already been crying for 15 minutes throughout the store and I didn’t feel like having a full-on meltdown with him.
After leaving the store, I sat in my car for a good 20 minutes and sobbed. Uncontrollable, body shaking, snot dripping sobs. My body has held so much trauma that it had to release and come out however it needed. I allowed this process. I smiled, I laughed, and just let it all pour out of me. I have been holding this grief and sadness for so long. I don’t think I’m done processing or holding it but that one experience showed me just how much bigger this is than I originally thought. The body holds so much.
I wanted to do laps around the store. I wanted to go back again that afternoon. I want to go again today. I want to be a human that is physically seen by someone other than my husband and medical personnel again. I feel ready and yet, I still must practice taking precautions and pre-planning. This sure was one experience of excitement and yet, there is still so much that weighs on my mind and in my body and will for quite some time. For yesterday though, I was unstoppable. I was a little bit more myself than I have felt in years.
Oh, and, I am typing this reflection from a well dispersed, open-air patio at a local cafe during its early morning hours where there are only 3 other people seated out here. *Exhale* This is a whole other level of big deal that I am celebrating.
Wear your mask and continue to remember that there are still people like me who are at great risk and we’re not doing well with all the isolation. Help us feel safe entering the most basic and ordinary of indoor public spaces, please.
